How to Give a Cat a Pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your

left arm as if holding a baby

Position right forefinger and thumb on either

side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure

to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As

cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind

sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw

soggy pill away.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of

mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut

for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from

top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly

between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse

to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing

wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler

and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to

buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully

sweep shattered figurines and vases from

hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to

lie on cat with head just visible from below

armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth

open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to

humans and drink one beer to take taste

away.  Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm

and remove blood from carpet with cold water

and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.

Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat

in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to

leave head showing.  Force mouth open with

dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with

elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put

cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.

Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check

records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply

whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss

back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and

fetch new one from bedroom.


12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn

cat from the top of the tree across the road.

Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence

while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from

shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear

paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg

of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed

by large piece of filet steak.  Be rough about it.

Hold head vertically and pour two pints of

water down throat to wash pill down

14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get

spouse to drive you to the emergency room.

Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and

forearm and removes pill remnants from right

eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order

new table.



15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat

from hell and call local pet shop to see if they

have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill:

1.  Wrap it in bacon.

2.  Toss it in the air.